A Defense of Marriage: A Partner Worth Fighting With

This summer, my husband and I will celebrate the 10th anniversary of our marriage. It’s been an incredible 10 years filled with ups and downs and a lot of growth, most notably our two tiny humans who grow bigger by the day. 

When we married, I had no illusions about marriage. I knew that “happily ever after” was shorthand for “work your asses off to make sure you like each other at the end of the day.” I also knew that marriage was a long-haul commitment–a marathon, not a sprint. Even though I wasn’t expecting a fairy tale, I still wasn’t prepared for what lay ahead.

Is the fighting in my marriage normal?

You see, I married someone as firey, stubborn, and willful as I am. This makes him a wonderful partner for me in so many ways–but it makes our marriage filled with more conflict than I would like at times. There was a long time where I was uncomfortable with any kind of conflict in my marriage. I wondered if we fought too much and felt terrible when we did. I had an idea of what a healthy marriage should look like, and I didn’t think that included arguing as much as we did. Married people should agree on things all the time, right? They shouldn’t get on each others’ nerves this much, right? I thought true partners saw eye to eye on all issues and were always on the same page. Yet, given both our personalities, there is zero chance that our relationship will be without some conflict. 

Over the years, I realize the greatest enemy of marriage isn’t conflict, it’s indifference. If you’ve lost the will to fight, you’re in trouble. While you might not argue as much as my husband and I do, you ought to argue with your spouse some. It’s unrealistic to think that two independent people should agree on everything. It’s certainly unrealistic, and I would argue unhealthy, for one person to continuously bend to another’s will to keep the peace.

The peace isn’t worth it.  

What I’ve learned about fighting in a marriage:

I’ve learned a lot in our 10 years about fighting. We are not perfect–ha, not even close, but if I know anything about marriage, this is is it:

1. Go back to your origins as a couple. My husband and I met while working at a summer camp on Lake Winnipesaukee. We led hikes in the White Mountains and canoe trips up to Canada. My husband is a real mountain man and being around him in his element makes me see him the way I did back in the day: before the kids and the wrinkles. Put yourself in situations where you get to see what attracted you to your partner in the first place. Hold on to that during your fights. See their true self even when you feel angry at them. 
2. Confide in your friends if things aren’t going well. This is probably my biggest challenge yet, and when I take my own advice, it is also my biggest saving grace. No marriage is perfect because no two human beings are perfect. The fact that things will be hard is the most certain thing I know about marriage. The “for better or for worse” part in the vows is in there for a reason! When things get hard, talk to your friends. At the very least, admitting what’s challenging out loud to people who love you is a cathartic release of some sort. At its best, confiding to your friends provides the support you need to get to the other side. 
3. Do things together. Could there be more obvious advice for a married couple than this? Get a sitter, turn off the TV, play a board game, or go for a walk. Share experiences together so that your life doesn’t become a business transaction of who’s picking the kids up and what’s for dinner. You’ll get the chance to actually fight about things that matter as opposed to the daily minutia.
4. Let the little sh*t go. I will take passion and spirited discussion above peace any day. I don’t mean the silly stuff, like whose way of doing laundry is better (actual fight we had), because you have to learn to let that sh*t go. Side note: when you learn to let that sh*t go, call me immediately and tell me your secrets. I am still learning this. So is my husband. I’m totally learning it better than he is (yes, this is sarcasm and also a little insight into what it’s like being married to me). 
5. Learn how the other one fights. My husband does not filter himself much in an argument, whereas I filter myself incessantly. A happy medium is probably best. Once I figured out his tendency towards verbal diarrhea, and he figured out my tendency towards tight-lippedness, we were better able to meet in the middle. 

For me, marriage is about finding someone worth fighting with. When I ask myself at the end of the day if he’s worth it, I can answer “yes” confidently. That active choice to engage daily is what saves us and binds us together. 

Do you fight a lot in your marriage?