When my husband left, I knew it was going to hurt like hell. I took it day by day. you’re in survival mode when you’re coping with loneliness as a single mom. But having a toddler running around and a newborn to hold distracted me. Eventually days turn to weeks and weeks turn to months and you’re thinking “I’m doing it, we’re doing this.”
But I was not prepared for the loneliness. Coping with loneliness as a single mom is really tough.
As a single mom, I live for toddler hugs and kisses. And for drawings and crafts made just for me. I drop my kids off at preschool and as much as I’m desperate for that time alone, I can’t wait for the minute they come back to me. I feel SO connected to my two little girls and I’m more aware of that since being on my own. While being a single parent isn’t “desirable”, I am grateful each day for the connection I have with my children. Even through the pain and shock of the early days on my own, there was love and joy in the little everyday moments. It was a little club with just the three of us.
I was never alone, but I felt very much on my own.
In the beginning it was overwhelming. I had a newborn baby and a 1 year old who were literally always with me. I am a few years out now so I’m no longer ugly crying by myself in the bathroom. Yet the truth is, sometimes I still feel lonely. It settles in at night after a long challenging day. When no one asks how my day was. Or when my child is sick and there is no one else to lean on or advocate for them. Or when I leave a hair appointment and they ask if I have any special plans that day. It even creeps up on me in my most cherished moments of happiness. When one of the girls says or does something so hilarious — but you had to be there to appreciate it.
And it’s only ever the three of us.
In the best cases parenting is a partnership, but not all women are fortunate enough to have the support of a partner. Single mothers don’t have anyone to tap them out after a tiring day. Women today are often also juggling demanding work responsibilities and schedules, finances, childcare (or lack of) – oh, and a global pandemic. Because there is no one there to rescue me when I’ve reached my breaking point, my kids have seen me break down. I’d guarantee any single mother has had a meltdown (or two) after a long day of tantrums. Thankfully, it’s nothing a good snuggle and a 2-minute breather can’t fix.
I hope my kids remember how I have fallen, will fall again but always, always get back up.
Thankfully time does and has worked its magic and I’ve been single mom-ing it for 3 years now. In those 3 years I’ve learned how to recognize those hard feelings and cope. It is a journey but there are things that have helped me when the loneliness starts to creep in.
These are my 5 Tips for Single Moms Coping with Loneliness
1. Recognize your triggers
You’ll start to anticipate when you will experience the “moments”. I would feel uncomfortable whenever my kids went to their dads and it’s normal for single parents to experience separation anxiety. It helps to keep busy, plan a hike or a date with a friend. I use the time to exercise and to catch up with friends whenever I could, I feels so strange to be home alone and I would drive myself mad wondering how the kids were doing. I started sending their dad photos of them when they were with me in hopes he would do the same when they were at his house and it helps to ease your mind when you receive little updates – I think it also helps to connect the homes for the kids (especially when they are very young) if you have some idea of what they are up to in case they are excited to talk about their visit with you.
2. Write it down
Before bed each night or over coffee in the morning, try to take just 5 minutes to write down a memory or moment from your day. I have found that when I write down those hilarious things my kid said, and go back to revisit it later, it brings me so much happiness. Single motherhood can be a whirlwind and in the absence of a partner to share and reminisce in the memories or every day moments, jotting them down and documenting those times and events make it seem like they are living on outside of just you. I feel so much gratitude when I look back on the quick little entries that have made up such a significant part of my life.
3. Find your people
Find your support system. Whether it’s family, friends or other single moms. It took me awhile to make “mom friends” and I wish it hadn’t. Other moms get it. They are at the park, they are at the schools and there are numerous groups within our communities. If you have time, offer to help another mom a break for a few hours, your kids will love it and it might be an opportunity for you to swap childcare with each other for a couple hours here and there. I also started following a number of single moms and blogs on social media. My favorites are: @thejohnsonemma @theresilientmum @thebudgetmom @madenew_mama and @juliadennison. There are single moms coping with loneliness everywhere, in their own ways. It can be tremendously comforting knowing you are not the only one in a similar situation or position.
4. Fill your own cup
Single moms don’t get a lot of time alone so it can be difficult to find healthy ways to relieve stress or decompress but try to find the time when you can. I prioritize an hour of exercise on the weekdays that I have childcare. I notice a huge difference in my stress level, patience and overall happiness. Therapy is helpful as well. Taking the time to let feelings materialize and speak them to another person who is completely objective is so relieving. There are local therapists accepting new clients for telehealth right now. Meditation or journaling could be fulfilling. Explore what works for you and allow yourself the break.
5. Nurture your friendships
Making an effort to stay connected with your friends is challenging. I often find myself feeling guilty for not keeping in better touch, attending get togethers or even having enough time to find the perfect personalized birthday gift. Raising children leaves little time for almost anything else so it often feels like you’re missing out or out of touch. The friends you do have may assume you’re too busy so they reach out less often. I’m thankful for my small group of great friends who are gracious and forgiving of me when I decline, cancel, reschedule, respond days later to texts or phone calls… the list goes on. I have tried to initiate communication more frequently even if it’s just a text – to make up for my not being as present in person and to let them know I still value my extremely precious friendships. Try scheduling in some time each month to connect with a friend, it helps to have something to look forward to and if you find yourself with some unexpected free time it never hurts to reach out to see if a friend could meet up for coffee or catch up on a walk.
