“This is something that is still not talked about very often. I also feel like there’s this pressure that you’re just supposed to be able to snap your fingers, and continue to walk through life like it never happened.”
Hillary Scott, Lady Antebellum. She wrote “Thy Will,” and began her healing process after her miscarriage.
“Miscarriage is when a baby dies in the womb before 20 weeks of pregnancy,” according to March of Dimes. Sadly, this is the most common form of pregnancy loss with 10 to 25 percent of clinically recognized pregnancies ending in this manner.
At this moment, I am in the midst of my first miscarriage.
My husband and I are blessed with two beautiful daughters, but always knew three children would be the minimum number required for our family (at least we hope). Unfortunately, the symptoms of miscarriage became apparent during my fifth week of pregnancy. Emptiness now fills my belly, and the void is painstakingly evident. As a result, I am having a difficult time discerning my emotions. Now I realize why no one wants to discuss this pain.
My first visit to the doctor’s office was painful and confusing; the realization that I would not have this baby was an abrupt yet lagging reality.
As I stood at the reception desk, I saw a woman in her third trimester. I would have assumed that grief would have consumed me, as I gazed at her round belly. It did not. Rather, happiness for her upcoming arrival filled me (and that surprised me). However, as I sat for my blood test, the sadness I expected came upon me like a thunderbolt. I read the “wash your hands” posters over and over again to occupy my mind (crying in front of people is not something I allow myself to do often). I am quickly understanding the importance of being vulnerable; unless I let my walls down, I will not properly heal or be able to help others.
The loss also has an effect on fathers, as well. Curtis Wiklund went through this devastation with his wife and revealed his pain through this drawing.
The human body is an incredible machine; two people come together and create life. Men perform a vital and necessary part, but women are the ones who carry the baby to term. It has been my privilege and honor to bring a life into this world and it will be my greatest achievement.
Here are things I am finding helpful in enduring a miscarriage:
- Faith–Knowing God has a plan for my life and everything happens for a reason eases the burden.
- Support system–Family and friends to help you both physically and emotionally (especially if you already have little ones running around).
- Doctor–A caring and friendly doctor’s office is critical during this loss.
- Information–Knowing it’s not your fault (read FAQ’s by the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists to ease your mind).
- Rest–Take time to heal your body and mind.
- Diet–Eat a well-balanced diet to give you strength (think protein).
- Vitamins–You will mostly likely be weak, so continue with your prenatal vitamin and ask your doctor about iron (take with a citrus juice for better absorption).
- Motrin–It eases the pain.
- Heating pad— It helps ease the cramping.
- Book or movie–Grab a good read or find a show to binge on–because you’ll have the time.
I debated whether or not I would speak about my loss on the blog, but ultimately I came to this conclusion: miscarriage is still a taboo topic and that code of silence must end.
Women should know they are not alone and seek support from those who have been there. The code of silence ends now. I refuse to accept that my new normal is being a member of this secret club (and we all know the first rule: you do not talk about this club).
Today is National Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day. Share your loss, heal with others, and remember.
Have you experienced the loss of a child through miscarriage? What helped you navigate your way through this difficult time? End the code of silence.
Thanks for sharing your story. I endured a miscarriage a couple months before becoming pregnant with my son. It was a painful waiting game as the miscarriage from start to end lasted weeks. I think the most painful part was seeing the heart beat in the ultrasound and then after reducing hours at work and bed rest to try to keep the pregnancy viable to go back and …nothing. The physical pain was bearable though extreme. The emotional pain was hard to work through.
People really don’t know what to say when this happens. I feel that’s why people don’t talk about it.
Erin,
so sorry you had to go through that. It isn’t easy. Even as I wrote this, asking others to not be silent, I found it was difficult to know what to say. It will take time for us to feel more open when talking about miscarriage.
Very good article. So sorry for the loss of your baby, Melissa. One of the worst things about miscarriage,aside from the loss of a precious baby, is the absolutely stupid things that well-meaning people will say to the mom. PLEASE people, realize that this is a grieving time for both parents. A hug is much more appreciated than your opinion on why this happened.
Aunt Dawn,
thank you for reading this. It wasn’t easy but I found writing down my thoughts helped me work through some feelings.
I’m so sorry for your loss Melissa. I lost two at 6 weeks and another at 19 and they were all really difficult.
Nathalie,
I appreciate your reading my post. It was heartbreaking to hear you lost your babies. I pray you will have successful pregnancies in your near future.
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