I gave my kids an extra squeeze and told them I loved them before I sent them to school today. “Mommy, why are your eyes watering?” My 5 year old daughter asked me. I didn’t have it in me to tell her ‘just in case I don’t get to say I love you again.’ How I talk to my kids about difficult topics, especially as of late, has been a huge learning curve for me as a parent. Our job is to protect them from scrapes, bruises, bullies and everything in between. But how do I protect them from an endless loop of war, school shootings and pandemics? I simply cannot. Everyone parents differently, some parents talk about the state of the world daily, and some not at all. I’m an in between type of parent. Here are three tips for talking to kids about difficult topics.
Be Transparent.
I am a firm believer in being as transparent as their age allows when it comes to difficult topics.
My 7 year old son and 5 year old daughter are on fairly equal footing processing and understanding difficult topics. When the war started in Ukraine, I turned to other moms to help me navigate. I genuinely asked my mom friends how they were approaching the subject. While I got a variety of responses ranging from not at all and avoidance, down to we have discussions about it nightly, I decided to go for simple with my kids.
My husband and I sat down with both kids at dinner and asked them what they knew about the news. The family dinner table is a great place to have open and honest dialogue with your kids, while a bite of roast chicken breaks up the difficult questions. Both kids had caught snippets of the news from the Echo that sits in our kitchen. I gave them a simple one liner and said “there is a conflict going on in Ukraine because Russia invaded it.” I got a series of questions from our 7 year old because he was scared. He asked if we were going to be invaded, and if there were people being hurt. This was the make it or break it chance to be the transparent adult I want to be for our kids. If I sugarcoated it too much, I would lose validity with him. But if I went too in depth, the idea of vicarious trauma didn’t seem like the right choice either.
Keep it simple.
A simple yes or no answer to tough questions has always been our best approach when talking to our kids.
After the news came out about another mass shooting, this time in Uvalade, TX, I knew I needed to have a conversation with both kids. Not just for their own understanding, but for mine as well. I need my kids to understand that their teachers are here to keep them as safe as they can, and school is a safe place. But, how can I make them believe that school is a safe place, when in fact the news has told them it is not always the safest place? Talking to them while waiting for the parent pickup line to move was my chance. It gave a finite amount of time for me to talk. A quick five minute drive home is the perfect amount of time for me to talk and be heard. Every time I address a heavy subject with my kids, I give them time to digest the information.
Give them time to ask questions and comment.
I give my kids time for what I like to call a “brain dump”.
When they’re ready, I sit down with them one at a time and let them speak. It’s really important to me as a parent to be an active listener. Sometimes, my son will ask several off topic questions before we get to what’s on his mind. The questions have been as simple as “What time is it in Ukraine?” To as complex as “What happens to all the kids stuff when they have to leave?” I like to leave open ended conversations that can be picked up anytime they have a thought. It’s so important for a child to know their thoughts matter and that I’m listening.
I’d like to say that there is any easy button for parenting. For every difficult subject to talk about, especially when everyone parents so differently, is impossibly hard. It’s our job to be active listeners and give our kids an unbiased sounding board. We are their voice in the world until they learn the power of their own.
