*Now that I have your attention, let me just say that this is not a post saying bottle feeding is a cure for postpartum depression (PPD), nor is it a post supporting bottle feeding as superior to breast feeding. This is my personal story and how feeding my baby played out. I hope this brings encouragement to other women who have struggled with breastfeeding.*
He laid there next to me all swaddled up in the hospital blanket, breathing deeply as he slept. He was just hours old. My tiny miracle. I looked at the clock. It was time for him to eat. And I felt it. This, dare I say…dread? No. It couldn’t be that. This was my baby. He needed to eat and it was time.
I waited a little more. I sat in silence thinking about how all the other moms in the world were happily breastfeeding their babies and enjoying a beautiful bonding moment.
The clock kept ticking. I couldn’t wait any longer. I picked him up, got comfortable, and attempted to feed him. Nothing. I tried a different way. Nothing. After several minutes of this dance, I called a nurse to come in and she easily showed me what to do. She would leave and he would somehow slip off and I couldn’t get him to latch back on. Again. Called the nurse. Again.
This is the scenario that played out that first day when my son Henry was born. I adopted my first baby right from birth, so bottle feeding was the option I had for her. But I wanted to try breastfeeding my son. I went into it with an open mind that it may not be for me, but wanted to see how it would go. Well, it wasn’t going. In fact, it was beyond frustrating. But the frustration crept in in subtle ways. So subtle that at first I didn’t quite recognize it. But deep down, I knew it was there.
Each time I was holding him, it was to try to feed him. And inside I was crying, “I can’t do this.” I would lay him back in the bassinet and just sit and stare at the wall. I felt it. I looked at him and could almost feel the barrier slowly growing.
Nurses and family would come in and I would smile and we would talk about how beautiful he was. But inside, I was feeling empty.
As the minutes would tick by and get closer and closer to feeding time, my heart grew heavier and heavier. I almost wished I could ignore the clock, and sometimes I did for as long as I could. I picked him up and tried to feed him and, nothing. This time, instead of trying to hide my frustration, I let it out. I looked at my husband and whispered, “I can’t do this.” Vocalizing it felt like a weight had been lifted.
I called for a nurse to come in and I truly believe God sent this specific nurse to me on purpose. She was an older woman who was so kind and reassuring. After talking about it with her and with my husband, I knew my decision had been made. Within 20 minutes, she had formula in front of me, I was sitting in the chair cradling my sweet baby, and feeding him. And loving every second. My husband told me the minute I decided to bottle feed, my body language instantly changed. He said it looked completely natural and RIGHT to see me rocking Henry and feeding him a bottle. It’s what I knew with my first baby and it felt perfect.
I couldn’t put him down after that. I just wanted to snuggle him as close as I could and breathe in his new baby smell. I feel like I missed it in those first hours. This is not to say that this decision made life rosy and perfect, because it certainly didn’t. But it was the right choice for me. I knew that if I continued to try to breastfeed, the barrier I was feeling would continue to grow. To me, it wasn’t worth it. I love my baby, and bottle feeding him was a choice I made to show him just how much.
This was beautiful. I love that you shared such intimate feelings. I nursed my daughter’s but struggled in the first few months both times. Considering bottles next time is something I should do (my doctor believes I suffered from post-partum depression. After I finished nursing I started to feel better). Thank you for vocalizing such an important struggle so many of us share!
Melissa- thank you for your sweet words❤️ From my experience, being vocal & listening to the cues of your heart and body are HUGE.
Love that you shared this. I desperately wanted to nurse my long awaited child but it was torture for him and for me so after three weeks we switched fully to formula…. And it was wonderful! only you know what’s best for your family! Enjoy snuggles with your two miracles!
Cheryl- thank you for stopping by and for your sweet words❤️ YES- as mothers only we know what is best. We can put so much pressure on ourselves to do what society “thinks” is best.
Thanks for commenting!!!
Love your heart Colleen! Thank you for sharing! ❤️ You!
Kristin~ thank you so much for commenting. love you!!!
You just have to find what works for you and your family. Only you will know what works best. Sometimes it is best for the mother’s emotional health not to breastfeed.We should celebrate moms doing what they can to stay healthy, both physically and mentally. When a mother is caring for herself, she is giving her baby a wonderful gift.
My partner and I also decided to formula feed our little one and we had the best feeling with organic formula, it’s as safe and natural as breast milk. Plus, it’s also free of antibiotics, steroids and all types of herbicides and pesticides found in conventional baby formulas at most grocery stores. You can find some interesting articles on http://www.myorganicformula.com.
All the best,
Faith
Hi Faith!
Thank you so much for your comment and sharing your experience/perspective. I, too, agree with you a million percent that when we are caring for ourselves, we are giving our babies a wonderful gift.So so true!!!
I have bonded deeply with both my children through bottle feeding and they both feel secure and loved. That is the most important thing in all the world to me as their mother.
Thanks again for commenting and posting the link! Have a great day! Blessings to you and your family.
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