Mom, Where are the Girl Presidents? Talking to Young Kids About Sexism

We have this placemat from my mother-in-law. It’s a big, plastic placemat for kids with pictures of all the presidents on it. My older two daughters, in their ever-observant state, noticed the oddity immediately.

“Mom, where are the girl presidents?”

As a mom of three young daughters, this question hit me in the gut. Not only is it a question I’ve been asking for years but it’s a question I hoped they’d never have to ask. I mean, where are they?

Their cousin, who is just slightly older, answered before I could:

“Oh, girls can’t be presidents. It’s the law”.

Now, if you know me, you know I couldn’t get my rebuttal out fast enough. I explained to all three that indeed, there was no female president but that there would be. Soon. What I didn’t say is that I based my answer more on hope than on evidence. Seriously, there are not enough sighs or eye rolls to capture the amount of “over its” I have for this situation. I don’t care what your political affiliation is — this isn’t about that.

The fact is, we are still living in a “not yet” reality in this country as women.

Not just because we haven’t had a female president. Please, that is the tip of the iceberg.

We don’t have paid maternity leave.
    How a woman looks IS STILL her most talked about asset.
        Diet culture just won’t quit.
            No one asks men how to “balance it all”
                Oh, and women still don’t make as much as men do for the same jobs.
                    Let’s be honest this list could be so very long that you would stop reading you because would be so. darn. tired.

I don’t write to debate the reality for women in this country or even to convince you of what that is. I write because…

Knowing how to talk to young kids about sexism is a necessary tool we need in our toolkit as parents.

While my lens is one of a mother with three young daughters, I know that both young girls and boys need us to guide them.

Here’s why:

1. Kids learn by example.
2. Even the youngest of children can look around and see who holds the most power in our society. Who gets the most representation? Spoiler alert: it’s not women and it’s not people of color.
3. If we want our kids to lack the bias we have (we all have it), we have to do the work. We have to strive to shed our own bias.

Here are some tools in my toolkit for talking to young kids about sexism:

1. Don’t let your children accept false paradigms.
   My middle daughter is five and sees the world in black and white. She INSISTS that my husband is in charge because he is bigger. We insist that it’s her baby sister that’s in charge. She’s the smallest but she very clearly runs the place. While I am not entirely kidding about the social order of our home, I’m dead serious about the paradigm challenge. We challenge her black and white thinking constantly and even point out situations when someone else takes control. “Look, mommy is in charge now because she knows where we’re going”, etc.
2. Help your children notice who is represented.       
   While young children won’t know how many women are in the House of Representatives, they’ll certainly see that there is only one main Paw Patrol character who is a female. Help them name the lack of representation and let them express their discontent. I mean, a cockapoo? In a pink helicopter? More Doc McStuffins, please. In their books, TV shows, schools, and more — help them notice what they see.
3. Provide them with alternatives. 
   Incredible people like Ashia Ray of Books for Littles do the good work of illuminating books that help us address hard topics with our kids. Or do your own Bechdel Test (a great measure of how females are portrayed in lit, TV and film) on the shows your kids watch. Need more resources? Check out True Child for some of their incredible reports addressing unequal opportunity across race, class and gender.    
4. Don’t be afraid to be the awkward one.  
   Smashing gender roles and sexism can be so awkward. Whether you’re interrupting your neighbor for ONLY complimenting your daughter’s appearance or you’re cool with your child not giving smelly Aunt Thelma a kiss (much to her chagrin), embrace the awkward! The more your children see you modeling behavior that protects their bodies and values their whole selves the more they will be empowered to value and protect their own bodies (and the bodies of those around them). Saying the hard thing is a great way to forge ahead, making a better future.
5. Model the paradigms you actually believe in.
   This is the hardest one for me. Whether it’s combating the monster of body criticism in my head and on my lips or standing up to outright sexism in a place of work or worship, our kids need to see us live out what’s right. They need to see us as feminists (remember, that “f word” just means believe women are equal to men) so they can become little feminists themselves.
6. Just talk. Even if you have no answers.
   I don’t know how many times I’ve told my children, “I don’t know”. While I wish I had eloquent and thoughtful answers for every one of their questions, letting them know that I don’t have it figured out gives permission to wonder. To question. To live in the grey. As Elsa says, “Into the Unknown!!!!”

Do I have all the answers? No. Not even close. But I have three daughters worth sharpening these tools for. Talking to young kids about sexism (and any kind of discrimination) is essential. If we want to break the habits of our past, we have to do the work for our future.

I believe the future is female. I believe women already run the world and will finally get the credit and the official roles they deserve. And I know there will be amazing men standing beside them when this happens.

What would you add to this list? What resources can you share? As this amazing t-shirt company reminds me, we are as strong as the woman next to us.

Let’s get to work raising these tiny humans!